Untamed.

Hello love, 

once again I find myself writing to you. In case you’ve been wondering, I’m doing fine. Better. I still miss you, and I still kinda love you, but I have finally understood. As much as I love you, I can’t keep begging for scraps. I should’ve known from the start, back when you told me you were so afraid to love me, that you were just not ready. Even when you convinced yourself and me that you were. You gotta know, even now when I find myself so broken, I would still put my ass on the line for you. Always. I did then, and I do know. That’s just the way I am, and I will always be there to help you when you need it the most. I would do anything for you, anything but begging. I’m done, because I know that I’m worth more. And, as much as I wanted to fit into your life, I can’t keep bending.

 Even steel is bound to break.

With so much love,

the girl with the messy hair

Chino

Hello dearest,

It’s been a while since you left, more than a month maybe? Who knows. It all feels the same to me. Truth is, I’ve been nothing but gray. Mom would be so fucking ashamed. You see, there’s more to a breakup than just a goodbye and a new lover. I’ll tell you why. You were the first, and I have no idea why I felt so damn safe whenever I was with you. I had been scared of men for so long, pushing them away to avoid getting hurt. Because, in a way, I know myself, and I know my heart. I feel everything and I give myself up completely, every fucking single time. Whatever I saw broken in you, I saw in myself and I wanted to make everything better for the both of us. Oh dear, if only you had felt the same. You made sure I came up clean about everything. You wanted to know every single thing about me, the saddest moments of my life, even though I was so hesitant to open myself up. I didn’t want to get hurt. I was so fragile, having gone through my mom’s fight against cancer. Then you came and I saw you like a tiny beacon of light. “This is a sign from the universe telling me the worst part is over, telling me he’s the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow” SO. FUCKING. WRONG. That’s the price I gotta pay for being such a romantic. 

I don’t hate you. In fact, I still wait for you every single day. I sleep with my phone close by so I can hear that special ringtone in case you ever call. I can’t hate you. I can’t hate you for not feeling the same way about me. I wish I could, I’m sure that would make things so much easier for me. I do wish you had been nice to me. I do wish I hadn’t see you with another girl a week after you broke up with me. Telling me you couldn’t do long distance, that I was a burden. Imagine how it felt when I saw you here doing long distance with someone else. What was I for you? A game? A contest? Please, let me know. If you knew all along you wanted to be with her, why would you allow me to fall so damn hard? Why would you tell me so many nice things? Why would you let me picture myself with you on the long run? Fuck. That doesn’t hurt me as much. You know what does? Being treated like a piece of junk. I feel like I deserved better. A face to face breakup. A honest one. One where you tell me that you wanna try ‘love’ with someone else, your high school sweetheart or whatever. One where you tell me I’m not it for you. I don’t know. 

I wanted to keep in touch with you, after all I had gotten so used to your damn ass. You had to unfriend me, didn’t you? You couldn’t stand the sight of the woman you stepped over like a mat. You had to delete my phone number, didn’t you? You couldn’t risk getting drunk and calling me. What is it with you? What do you want? You don’t even know, I bet. I was willing to do everything for you. Oh well.

-The girl with the messy hair

Mmm, better not.

The girl with the messy hair has had her heart broken once again. What? What a surprise. Heck no. That's the story of my life, everyone. I've been crying non-stop these past couple of days, but I think I'm done. I've come to the realization that maybe, deep down, I knew all along. I knew he wouldn't ever want me back, and so I went forward knowing he would reject me. Then, why would I allow myself to fall in love, you ask? Easy... 

..because with the rejection, comes solitude, and solitude is what I need right now. 

I can't love someone else when I'm not completely happy with who I am. I still cover my body with huge sweatshirts, I still lower my head so people won't see my face, I still hide behind a smile when someone insults me instead of defending myself. 

This time I'm ready. Now, I'm gonna fall in love with myself. I'm gonna make myself proud. I'm gonna impress myself. I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm gonna.

You gotta too. 

Love, 

the girl with the messy hair.

The City Discotheque.

I grew up being told I was ugly and fat. Fifth and sixth grade was a burden, for I was constantly called "gross", and I never really understood what I had done wrong. I guess my parents never really knew about it. I was bullied every day, and every day I had to pretend like it didn't hurt at all, like I didn't hear those words. But it did, and I did, and I think the pain will never go away.

Today, I was told I wasn't pretty enough for The City—a nightclub—, and that the fact that I was even allowed inside was merely an act of pity. I was just trying to help my friend get inside, and in return I got bitch-slapped across the face. "There are cameras that tell us who gets inside and who doesn't" said the Bouncer, "and I got you inside as a favor, because They didn't want to let you in." Oh, alright. I just pretended, once again, like I didn't care. Like it didn't hurt. 

Dear whoever's behind that motherfucking camera:

I am an aspiring civil engineer. I rocked my fucking calculus test. YOU will not tell me what I am worth. I have the greatest attitude towards people, or at least I try to, I help whenever I can, I spend my nights reading, trying to make sense out of the world, trying to understand why some people can't see beyond the physical qualities of some, trying to live other people's lives through written stories. I am a great daughter, great with dogs, great with passion, and a fucking amazing person. 

I am not going to cry anymore. I promised myself a while ago that I wouldn't cry myself to sleep ever again. Your nightclub isn't worth it. Those people who called me names aren't worth it. No one who doesn't really see the real me isn't worth it. I don't need you. I'm too busy trying to be the best version of myself. 

So take that tiny dick of yours, and go fuck yourselves. 

Sincerely yours, 

The Girl With the Messy Hair

thoughts

For me, feeling good about myself is a never ending task. I mean it's no surprise considering everyone has to deal with their own issues and insecurities, their own personal demons. I realized I was the only one to blame when the guy I liked left without knowing how I really felt. I just never felt good enough and it all comes down to my self-esteem. Never felt pretty enough, funny enough, interesting enough; and, the worst part of it all is that people around me are constantly telling me otherwise and still, I can't manage to grasp it. Now, I'm a ball of regret. Oh well! Life goes on, and if we are meant to be together, we will be. 

Sincerely yours,

the Girl With the Messy Hair

Lovefool

I have two older sisters and somehow, I ended up being the most romantic of us all. You see, I've always been completely attracted to the idea of loving someone so hard you are willing to give everything up. Too harsh, I know. It takes me as little as a week to fall in love or to feel strongly attracted to someone and for this I blame the dozens of YA books I've read. Lemme tell you the most recent story. I met this cute french guy whom I wanted to punch the living daylights out of at first (way to go, Estefania). The most embarrassing thing? I literally went nuts for him in just a couple of weeks, and of course, he then went back to motherland France. A few months later here I am wondering what the heck is wrong with me. I love so hard that when the feeling is not mutual it literally causes physical pain, an emptiness deep within the chest that deprives me of sleep. I ain't complaining, though. It's amazing to love someone, and not just someone, everything. To feel passionate about something, to love the way you feel towards a moment, an emotion, an action. That, is being alive. 

xx pals

the Girl With the Messy Hair

Destination Unknown

Have you ever wondered why things change so fast? Like you're watching the sunset and in an instant it becomes night time, or when you are giving birth and then you have a baby? I mean, I wouldn't really know since I've never been pregnant, but hopefully you understand. As a kid you believe you've got all your future mapped out; how many kids you want to have, the firefighter/dog whisperer/super hero job every child wants to achieve, the prince charming you want to marry (and by prince Charming I really mean one of those princes you've been watching on disney films forever). Then, reality hits like a bullet through your brain. You already have 18 years, you no longer live with your parents, and you no longer know what the hell to do next. Yup, that's me everyone. I don't know what to expect from the future anymore, and I sure as f*ck don't know what my next step will be. 

One thing is for sure: I'm back. 

Mexicans in New York? Dammit, that's so not unheard of. 

Kisses from

the Girl With the Messy Hair